I am in charge of the masterpiece which is my life.

It's one of those things that may be self-evident to everyone, or to no one.

Today I decided to be in charge.

In charge of what?

Of me.
My attitude.
My business.
My family.
My home.
Me.
My health.
My smile.
My body.
My exercise.
Attitude.
My decisions.
My consequences.
My reactions.
My dreams.
Business.
My massage room.
My massage clients.
My advertising.
My success.
Family.
My love for them.
My caring.
My raising of my children.
My ideas on being a happy and healthy person.
Home.
My kitchen.
My laundry.
My decorating.
My feng shui in the home.
My thankfulness, peacefulness, happiness,

It's amazing how powerful I feel today. I am in charge. No one is doing this for me. I choose to be in charge.

I am in charge of the masterpiece which is my life.

Today was a hell of a day

When the box popped open a month or so ago and I decided I didn't want that dusty, old, painful memory in my head any more, yet I didn't know what to do with the box. I have long used imagery when dealing with painful experiences. I box them up, put them on a shelf and stick them someplace in my brain and try to ignore that they are there. So, when this one opened up (and I still don't know what triggered it) I decided that I didn't want it any longer. If I put it down, it's down...but still there. WTF was I going to do with it? A friend of mine told me about his mediation journey, and how he was having difficulty with keeping a clear mind while mediating. He told me that he read that time is on a conveyor belt and that it continues to move. I decided to put my dusty old box on that conveyor belt and let it go. Let 200 lbs of memory go. I immediately felt this huge relief wash over me. It was time, that box was 23 years old.

As a massage therapist I know that muscles have memory. I've experienced it myself when a LMT worked on my ankle that had been sprained when I was a child. Two days ago I asked TD to help me with my rehab of my hips, since I'm spending a couple of months rehabbing my shoulder (volleyball overuse injury) I might as well do my hips as well. I need to work on pelvic stability because of the injury that I sustained 23 years ago. The first adjustment was uncomfortable and I broke out into a huge immediate sweat which is a good thing. It's the parasympathic nerve system firing off. Alright, lets wake that part of my body back up.

Today, I got another adjustment and this one made me shake, quaking in my core. Intense. Significant is the word I used. It wasn't physically painful, just jarring. My legs shook for a good 30 minutes, trying to do a massage just after my adjustment was hard. I could barely concentrate, and the client wanted to chat. I could barely put two words together. Thankfully, I've been doing massage for so long, that my hands used their muscle memory to do the massage. Then I did another massage, and that one was better however I started to feel nauseous. Even hours later, I continue to feel nauseous. Like I just want to puke. I sat down at the kitchen table and looked out the window. At nothing. At everything. And then it was 2 hours later. I sat there for 2 hours. Still wanting to puke.

Muscle memory goes thru a process...and I have to reconnect my brain to that part of my body. To love the hip flexors on the left side of my body and the ASIS on the right side of my body. I acknowledge the injury, the pain involved. I love those muscles and I invite them back into the whole.

For years I've deflected with "others have it worse than me." or "it's not that bad, I'm still standing." As I look at it from this side, not done with it yet, I see some PTSD symptoms. The panic attacks that I'd try to hide, feeling worthless and never good enough, being numb, easily startled, fight or flight when triggered.

As the walls around me come down I'm finding myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm 16 yrs old, with the emotional maturity of a teenager. There are definitely places in my personality that I have been avoiding, or completely blocking off for years. Rock bottom is the best place to build a strong foundation. And I'm feeling hopeful, worthy and like I still want to puke.

As I sat down to write tonight this song was playing. Coincidence?
End of the Rainbow. Born to Sing. No Plan B. - Van Morrison

When we’re in the inner circle...

When we’ve been told one of our closest friend’s cancer is worse than expected.

When she’s cried with me because he is her rock.

When we have to say “fine” when people ask how they are.

When I see my husband deal with the news of one of his dearest friends.

When we have them over for dinner and don’t talk about it.

When that’s what they want.

When we have them over for dinner and do talk about it.

When that’s what they want.

When we are in the inner circle, we hold them close, we protect their privacy.

When we love them for exactly who they are, for exactly as long as we have them.

When we love them no matter what.

When we will love her and hold his memory.

When we are in the inner circle.

When is now.

Now we are in the inner circle.

Now we carry them with us through hard times and good times.

Now we protect their privacy.

Now we comfort each other knowing that we need to have an outlet.

Now we cry.

Now we reminisce.

Now is today.

Today we celebrate great friends.

Today we love each other.

Today we are fully present.

Today we enjoy the company that we have with them

Today we tell stories and laugh.

Today when there is a lull in conversation we catch them having a moment.

Today we serve his favorite food.

Today we carry on.

Today is not to be forgotten.

Today is all we have.

I Am The Fire by Halestorm

I heard an interview with Lzzy Hale from Halestorm today. She said she didn't feel worthy, didn't feel good enough. So she wrote an anthem for herself and for those that need it. Thank you Lzzy!

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I'm afraid
I am through with this
'Cause I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I've been sacrificed
My hearts been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for 
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace
Won't let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I've embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waited for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fire
I am the fireWriter/s: HALE, ELIZABETH / HOTTINGER, JOSEPH / STEVENS, SCOTT CHRISTOPHER 
Publisher: Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC, WARNER CHAPPELL MUSIC INC
Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind

The birth of Intentionally Remarkable

August 31, 2015

Today I decided to be intentionally remarkable.

For most of my life I feel like I have been always trying to live up to an expectation set before me. Whether they were actually there, or perceived I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I’d bring a B+ home and would get “you can do better than that.” I’d get 7 blocks in a volleyball game and get “you can do better than that.” I had a c-section and thought to myself “you can do better than that.” And then when I wouldn’t “do better than that” I would feel like a failure. I would feel inadequate, and simply ordinary.

I am always striving to be better at everything thing that I do. A better woman, a better wife, a better mother, a better massage therapist, a better friend. Because of this constant struggle I have become better, yet I haven’t recognized it.

It is difficult for me to believe when a person compliments me. The negative self-talk doesn’t let me accept and freely receive them. Recently, someone whom I deeply respect paid me the best professional compliment that I’ve ever received and I have been struggling because I want to believe it. I want to believe that I am worthy.

Today during a massage I decided to be intentionally remarkable. Most of the time I rarely watch my hands while I’m massaging. I’m present, but not using my eyes to direct the massage. I let my hands be in charge of the session. Today, I watched them. I watched them move, stop at a muscle or a place where they noticed a reaction ever so slight from the client, I watched the way them for over an hour and realized that I am worthy. 
Humble, Honest & Honored. I am far from ordinary.

Intentionally Remarkable,

Angie